Dr Phil
by JE-stars
Summary: Edward is in extreme pain from losing Bella, so he finally does it- goes to the Volturi. But what does he do when the Volturi's too busy with their tea break? Oh don't worry, he has many tricks up his sleeve . . .
1. Chapter 1

_A/N- **Edward should be in our clutches, but ooooohhhooo nooo, Stephenie owns him. So we'll just havta settle with our little tea parties . . . **_.

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_Bong_

The clock tolled. I smiled, stepping towards the end of the shadows._ Here I come Bella._ I thought to myself as the clock tolled a second time. I smiled, raising my foot as the clock tolled a third time. It was now or never. And believe me, now sounded so much more appealing.

Warmth flooded through my body as I stepped into the light, sending rainbows bouncing off my skin in every which way. I smiled and stood there, waiting. The clock continued to sound until it was past twelve. The minutes ticked by, and there I stood, waiting for death to come upon me. Then it hit me.

How careless of me to plan to go out in the sun when it was the Volturi guard's tea time! I groaned and stomped back into the shadows. Of course, my brilliant plan, interrupted by stupid old tea yet _again_. Only this time, it was far, far worse . . .

"_Emmett, time to go hunting!" I crooned as I flitted down the stairs. My throat was burning and I was extremely anxious to get out and bag a good old mountain lion. I felt my daydreams shatter as I jolted to a halt at the scene in front of me as I reached the bottom step._

"_Not now, Eddie-poo," Emmett dismissed, waving his hand to shoo me away. He and Jasper sat at a short, round table, Alice's pink porcelain tea pot steaming in the center. My eyes dropped to the petite matching sets of tea cups in their massive, pale hands._

_I gaped at them. Today of all days! Emmett and I had made plans ahead of times __**just **__to avoid this! But there they sat still, with the traitor tea cups in their hands. _

"_But Emmy!" I whined, stomping my feet and throwing my hands in the air. "You promised!"_

_Jasper snickered and poured more of the revolting liquid down his throat._

"_Oh stop acting like such a prissy little girl." Emmett scoffed. I narrowed my eyes. _

"_I'm telling Esme on you!" I cried, though I knew from past experience this would get nothing more than her down here to join them in the nauseating tea party. It made little sense to me what was so appealing about pouring molten liquid down your throat just to puke it up mere hours later. _

_I turned my back on him as I began my journey back up the stair case. "Now what am I supposed to do with my day!" I complained loudly. "Not fair, not fair, NOT FAIR!" Stomping my feet hard on the first step, I heard an ear-splitting crack resound from below my foot. I hesitantly peeked down to see both of my feet below the floor boards. _

"_Guess you just found out Eddykins." Jasper sneered. I turned and stuck my tongue out at him. _

_**Stupid tea . . . **_

**Back at the liar**

The pain was more or less eating me alive, and I'd been continuing on death so much that I couldn't stand one more minute of still standing. I needed to leave this world, get away from the monster that was eating me alive. Then it dawned on me. I had twenty minutes to get there, but I could do it. Hell, I'm a vampire. I can do _anything_.

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_A/N- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA stupid tea ;]_

_hehe:]. Welcome to the jungle, we have fun and games . . . and laughter!!! :D_

_Reviews are amazing:] If we get enuff we'll put the next chapter on tonight for you all! if not, then tomorrow you must wait!;D_

**_~Ellzie&Rossie_**


	2. Chapter 2

"Welcome everyone to Dr. Phil!" the voice came from small speakers on the side of the stages, booming so loud that it would hurt a human's ears if they were as close as I was.

Dr. Phil walked across the stage, waving to his screaming crowd. "Welcome everyone, to my show." Wild applause erupted from the audience as he perched himself on one of the big comfy chairs in the middle of the stage. "Now I know you were all expecting a heartwarming story on some little girl who was physically and verbally abused by both of her divorced parents, but we decided that she didn't really have any issues worth discussing and found a person who needs even more help then some little abused girl. Please welcome . . ." he paused for dramatic affect. "Edward Cullen!"

I paused for a moment then willed myself to keep my human facade, for now, as I walked sluggishly out to the chair next to Dr. Phil's. He smiled warmly at me, his bald head sending light to shine into my eyes. I was glad my eyes were stronger then a human's because that would surely have blinded one. "Thank you for the warm welcome Dr. Phil." I mumbled into the microphone attached to my shirt.

"No problem Edward." he answered, looking to the crowd to silence them with a simple nod. "Now why don't you tell the crowd why you're here."

I sighed. "Because I'm sad." I answered, looking down. I had never told Dr. Phil, he knew as much as the crowd did at the moment.

"Why are you sad Edward?" he asked, he had a small notepad in his hand. I had paid him a large sum of money to make this show be like I was at therapy. Maybe that's all I needed. But it wouldn't matter, I was going to die soon.

Back in Volterra, the Volturi guard were just starting their tea. At 12:30 their favorite show would begin and they'd spend their hour and a half hour enjoying tea and crumpets while watching Dr. Phil like any other day. The tea was hot and ready in their cups as the show started. They were quite excited for today's supposedly heartwarming story about a little girl, for frankly, their hearts were rather cold, and were rather disappointed when they heard that someone else was going to be on instead.

"Please welcome. . . Edward Cullen!" all the tea cups clattered to the ground, glass and hot, herbal water sprayed all over the ground.

"Oh. My. God." Jane finally managed to say. "That was our best china!"

.

"Edward? Is there a reason for your sadness." Dr. Phil questioned me again.

I felt my anger boil up inside of me, instantly overwhelming my depression. I jolted out of and behind the chair too fast for weak human eyes to see. My hands tightened around the back of the chair, indenting it, as Dr. Phil's eyes widened in surprise. I tore my hands from the cushion and ripped my shirt from my torso. I felt like I was burning.

"BECAUSE NO ONE WILL FREAKING KILL ME!" I screamed. Dr. Phil's calm rebuke was cut short as my stone hand collided with the weak wall beside me. It shook feebly before crumbling in. A man with a microphone headset peered back at me, his face awed. The donut in his mouth hit the ground with an audible thud.

_Whoa. _He mentally appraised me.

"Why do you want someone to kill you?" Dr. Phil whispered into the microphone clipped to his tie, his voice shaking. His hand flew over the paper as he listened intently to what I might say next. _Possibly bipolar. Anger management. Steroids– roid rage. Mental issues. Suicidal. . ._ I smirked at his list of assumptions. He glanced up at me before his pen returned to the paper. _Definitely bipolar._ I hadn't noticed that the room had fallen completely silent.

I rolled my eyes. "Because I'm a vampire, duhhhhh." I snorted, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Dr. Phil's eyes widened as if I had punched the wall again. He guffawed loudly at me internally. I scowled. I'd been hoping that, along with getting me killed, Dr. Phil would be able to help me get past some of my actual problems. As his pen returned to his legal pad, though, all hope was lost.

_Serious Mental Issues._

_._

Back in Volterra, the Volturi guard blinked their eternal eyes in disbelief. Jane cursed under her breath as the second set of priceless china clattered onto the floor. No one winced as the glass shattered by their feet.

"He is _so_ done!" Jane vowed, leaping from her chair to place herself in front of the tv as it broke to commercial. "My favorite tea cups, ruined! My beautiful rug, stained!" She waved her hands and growled in exasperation.

The room was silent as they all kept their eyes away from the lethal, fuming vampire. As the commercial came to an end, Alec finally spoke up, his voice whiny.

"Can we just wait until the end of the program?"

Jane huffed and eyed him menacingly. Plooping back down into her chair, she sighed in defeat.

"Someone get more tea cups."

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_A/N- a little later than was expected, yes. My apologies on that:]_

_Yesss, everyone here is bound to be OCC:] We're having our funn mocking them aren't we? ;]_

_Kudos to our bestiee shanay who really is the mastermind behind this alllll:D_

_noww, reviews would truly amaze us, thanks. Hope you enjoyed:D_

_**Ellzie&Rossie**_


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